Helping a family member or friend who is struggling with an eating disorder

HOPEWELL IS HERE FOR YOU

Hopewell has a telephone help line that offers non-judgmental peer support to those who are looking for guidance and hope to those struggling to cope with the physical and emotional ravages of an eating disorder.

Hopewell offers family and friends a low cost, professionally facilitated peer support group. Check back soon for details on the new Fall 2009 Support Group.

Hopewell's lending library has a varied selection of books helpful to people with an eating disorder.

A free e-newsletter, published by Hopewell featuring eating disorder/mental health news and events, is emailed monthly to all those who have asked to be on our mailing list.

A list of therapists and other professional resources in the community can be found at resource directory

RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER IS POSSIBLE

Professional help is almost always required;

The longer the symptoms are ignored or denied, the more difficult the recovery.

Recovery is much more than reaching and maintaining a healthy weight. Don't lose sight of all those small baby steps that move someone forward in their physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

One of the hardest things to accept is that ultimately, family and friends don't have control over their loved one's recovery. What we can do, however, is provide them with the opportunities and support to find their own path to recovery.

 

THERE ARE WAYS TO OFFER HELP AND SUPPORT*

Approaching someone who is struggling can be intimidating and worrisome…....these fears are legitimate

Be Patient

When you approach the individual for the first time, do not be surprised if they reject your expression of concern. They may even react with anger and denial. There is a lot of shame and pain that goes along with having an eating disorder. It's also important not to rush the person, and instead recognize that it will take time for the person to make changes.

Be Knowledgeable

It's important to understand that an eating disorder is a coping strategy that the individual uses to deal with deeper problems - problems may be too painful or difficult to deal with directly. Remember: Eating disorders are not simply about not eating or vanity! This website can provide you with additional information that is worth learning, information you may also want to offer to your family member or friend. Whether they act on it immediately or need more time to think is their decision to make.

Be Compassionate

Eating disorders are a complex problem, and food and weight issues are only the symptoms of a deeper problem. It's important to understand that the person would prefer to have healthier coping mechanisms and is doing the best they can at the moment. Show compassion for the pain and confusion that the individual is experiencing.

Be Encouraging

Encourage the person to see themselves as more than their eating disorder. Do this by talking about other aspects of your lives, and of life more generally. Affirm their strengths and interests that are unrelated to food or physical appearance.

Be Non-Judgmental

It's important to express your own needs in the relationship, without blaming or shaming the other person. Remember that the individual with the eating disorder will have to decide on when and how to get help, and what kind. Support them by validating the healthy changes that the person does makes, however small they may be.

 

Conversation Guide

Focus on feelings and relationships, not on weight and food.

Tell them you are concerned about their health, but respect their privacy. Eating disorders are often a cry for help, and the individual will appreciate knowing that you are concerned.

Do not comment on how they look. The person is already too aware of their body. Even if you are trying to compliment them, comments about weight or appearance only reinforce their obsession with body image and weight.

Try to be positive. Find neutral, comfortable places and times to discuss the issues.

Try to focus on the main reasons you are concerned or in conflict.

Try not to be negative.

For example:

Instead of saying, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Say, "This is difficult for both of us, so let's try to discuss it."

Instead of saying, "You could control/stop this if you wanted to."

Say, "I know how hard it is for you. Let's talk about how we can both find ways to make things better."

Find ways to keep calm, focused and respectful during difficult conversations.

Set caring and reasonable limits. Be firm and consistent. For example, know how you will respond when the affected person wants to skip meals or eat alone, or when they get angry if someone eats their "special" food.

Avoid power struggles about eating. Do not demand that they change. Do not criticize their eating habits. People with eating disorders are trying to be in control. They don't feel in control of their life. Trying to trick or force them to eat can make things worse.

Examine your own attitudes about food, weight, body image and body size. Think about the way you personally are affected by body-image pressures, and share these with the person.

Make sure you do not convey any fat prejudice, or reinforce their desire to be thin. If they say they feel fat or want to lose weight, don't say "You're not fat." Instead, suggest they explore their fears about being fat, and what they think they can achieve by being thin. Encourage them to reflect on how people are pressured to look a certain way, and how this makes us feel bad about ourselves.

When the individual with an eating disorder is a child or minor, more direct action and guidance may be required. However, always respect the rights and feelings of the individual.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Seeing someone you love struggling with an eating disorder might make you feel very scared, angry, frustrated and helpless. However, be careful not to blame them. Try to understand that eating problems are a coping strategy for dealing with painful emotions or experiences. The person with an eating disorder may know that their condition is upsetting other people, but may not be able to change.

Do not take on the role of a therapist. Do only what you feel capable of. Try to get some support for yourself. You need to take care of yourself while dealing with your friend/family member and might want to speak to a counsellor or health professional.

Make sure you continue to take care of you own physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

Remember that they can only get better at their own pace. You can be supportive and gently give them information. You can help them to see and consider alternatives. You cannot make them get better. Consult with professionals when a child is concerned.

Final comment from a parent who has used Hopewell’s services:
Don't let the eating disorder distract you from your child’s healthy behaviors and attitudes. By shifting your focus away from the eating disorder, the anorexia, bulimia or binge eating won't seem quite so frightening. I found attending the peer support groups helped to reduce my isolation, allowed me to gather accurate information, and strengthen my family’s voice.

INSIST THAT YOUR CHILD'S CARE IS FAMILY-FOCUSED

According to the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health (www.ffcmh.org/systems_whatis.htm)

Family-driven means families have a primary decision making role in the care of their own children.

This includes: choosing supports, services, and providers;

Setting goals;

Designing and implementing programs;

Monitoring outcomes

 

SOME Characteristics of Family-Driven Care

1. Family and youth experiences, their visions and goals, their perceptions of strengths and needs, and their guidance about what will make them comfortable steer decision making about all aspects of service and system design, operation, and evaluation.
2. Meetings and service provision happen in culturally and linguistically competent environments where family and youth voices are heard and valued, everyone is respected and trusted, and it is safe for everyone to speak honestly.
3. Administrators and staff actively demonstrate their partnerships with all families and youth by sharing power, resources, authority, responsibility, and control with them.
4. Families and youth have access to useful, usable, and understandable information and data, as well as sound professional expertise so they have good information to make decisions.
5. All children, youth, and families have a biological, adoptive, foster, or surrogate family voice advocating on their behalf.

Resources for Family-Focused Care:

Toolkit for Carers

Feeding Your Child

In Her Own Words:

Never tell me I’m hopeless

Unless that’s what you want me to be

Don’t tell me you understand,

I know that’s a lie.

Don’t listen to what other people say,

They don’t know me any better.

Please listen when I talk to you.

Don’t just listen to what you want to hear .

Be gentle with your emotions,

But please don’t treat me differently

For I am the same as you .

I just took a detour in life.

 

HELPFUL TIPS FOR NAVIGATING THE SYSTEM

1. The ADVOCACY OFFICE is authorized to protect the rights and interests of children (under 18 years old) and families who are receiving or seeking services through the Ministry of Community and Social Services, anywhere in the Province of Ontario. They also advise the Ministry on matters that concern children and families. To read more about children’s rights, follow this link:

http://www.children.gov.on.ca/advocacy/main/en/rights/Rights.html

250 Davisville Avenue, Suite 503, 5th Floor
Toronto, Ontario M7A 1E9
Phone: (416) 325-5669 Toll-free: 1-800-263-2841
Fax: (416) 325-5681 TTY: (416) 325-2648
Email: advocacy@idirect.com

Although Advocates are not case managers, they do intervene and speak for children and their families who might not be able to get crucial services or solutions to problems without help. Advocates also help communities with complex, hard-to-serve cases situations where more than one government or community agency needs to be involved.

2. The Ministry of Health through Prior Approval Application for Full Payment of Insured Out-of-Country Health Services signed by an attending physician has been known to send individuals suffering from an Eating Disorder to specialized residential treatment programs in the USA.
The form can be obtained online here:

3. A major program supporting individuals with mental illness is the Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP), an income support program administered by the Ministry of Children and Youth Services. This program provides financial assistance to eligible people with disabilities.

To meet the requirements, you must:
· be 18 years of age or older,
· qualify financially, and
· have a substantial physical or mental impairment that is continuous or recurrent and is expected to last one year or more.

Refer to the Program Website

4. The Trillium Drug Program (TDP) provides benefits for some prescription drugs when drug costs exceed a certain amount of a household’s income. The program is not meant to replace private insurance plans or other Ontario Drug Benefit programs.

Why would you apply?
a) You spend a large part of your income on prescription drugs;
b) You do not have a private insurance plan that covers prescription drugs, or you have a private insurance plan, but it does not cover all the costs of your prescription drugs; or
c) You have a valid Ontario Health Card.

You’ll need more information than is provided on this website, so please refer to the Trillium Application Package, which you can obtain by calling toll free 1-800-575-5386 or visiting the website at:

http://www.health.gov.on.ca/english/public/forms/form_menus/odb_fm.html

 

5. The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) is Canada's largest health sciences centre devoted to mental illness and addiction. They have a clinical role caring for people with severe mental illness and addiction, with an inpatient capacity of more than 600 beds and extensive hospital and community-based outpatient services. As well, they have research, education and public policy mandates.

The Eating Disorders and Addictions Clinic (Dr. Christine Courbasson) is developing new clinical approaches to treat concurrent eating disorders and substance use disorders. To reach CAMH refer to their website:

To learn more about Addictions Research refer to their website at:

http://www.camh.net/Research/Areas_of_research/Clinical_Research/addictions_program.html

If you would like to add, based on your own experience, more helpful hints related to the Health, Social Services or Education programs and services to this page, please write to: info@hopewell.ca

 

 

 

*Excerpted from Nedic.ca